I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
