Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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