yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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