took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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