I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
