if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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