Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize