I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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