im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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