He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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