There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
