p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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