The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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