I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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