"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
