I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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