I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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