you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
