Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize