Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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