You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
