i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
