JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
