omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
