Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
