just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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