I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
