I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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