So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
