he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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