I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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