Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
