I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm too high and old for this...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
