I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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