Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I want to be your penis for a week.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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