i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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