I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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