I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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