everyone is single if you try hard enough
this boner is exhausting
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
