I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
