Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
