Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
