I want to have your abortion
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
