I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
