I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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