There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
