I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
