i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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