Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
