i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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