We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
