So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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