Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
They have beer where we have blood.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
