why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
