I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
