Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
