I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
